It was a dark and stormy night. I sat, waiting.The window panes, loose in their Victorian frames, rattled violently as the wind slammed relentlessly against them. The same wind parted the clouds, revealing the dark sky and a waning moon. somewhere in the distance, a llama howled.

Movement from the corner of the room caught my eye, with apprehension I turned my head slowly toward the source. It was the dog, its head cocked to one side, its ears alert as it stared intently at the the old clock on the mantelpiece. I watched as the fur on its back slowing rose along its spine, the freshly rolled cigarette fell from the dogs lips, a small trickle of urine pooled around its back legs. It was time for the terror to begin....Most Haunted was about to start.........

Shifting uncomfortably in my seat I forced myself to turn toward the deathly black screen of the silent television. The distorted reflection of the room stared back at me, and then, using only the power of my mind, and the remote control, I turned the television on....

Meercat and the mysterious case of the Screaming Heebie Jeebies.


Any spelling mistakes are intentional and done totally out of spite.

Bugger.I have lost the bloody "Most Haunted Review Kit" cardboard box. Good job I planned ahead and got myself so incredibly drunk, my teeth itch and my hair hurts. No trifle in the fridge, so I shall improvise, with what I'm unsure, but there's always the dog biscuits I suppose, just not the pink triangle ones....

I have to say, the prospect of watching yet another episode of Most Haunted is as appealing as the contents of a tramps hanky, but I shall persevere.

Well, here we are at Brougham Hall (pronounced "Broom"). It has a "spiritual doorway" apparently. (29.99 from Ikea).

Straight into the night before the night of the real thing or something business, this time, the dynamic duo of Ian Cash and Frodo Baggins Cath Howe get to creep around the place 'alone'.

Frodo: "I'm scared"
Ian: "It smells of old".

Smells of old what Ian? You cant just say it 'smells of old'. I thank my stars that at this point I'm more pissed than my Gran's mattress.

Footsteps, taps and a laugh is heard "there's footsteps all around us" says Ian. None of this is heard on camera and they decide to bugger off after 2 minutes.

Yvette tells us some more stories, recites a poem, I was waiting for the massage but it never came. Cut to the 'local medium' Martin Smith, who has a lovely cardigan (BHS 24.99) my mental sh*t filter I developed last week instantly kicked in and I didn't hear a word he said.

More History lessons from Fielding, last battle between the Scots and the English (never been to Livingston on a Friday night then obviously..), lots of soldiers dying with blood curdling screams, the rattle of swords, hang on, the sh*t filter seems to have broken.....

The obligatory eyewitness, this bloke saw a shadow...oooooooooohhhhhhh and it was "freaky". Dog Biscuit time..... Yellow round one, that'll do nicely......

Oh good heavens, they have a Reiki Healing room. Kieron is here (the bloody turncoat). He has devised a perfect way of deciding if they record any ghostly noises of battles/soldiers/galloping horses/squabbling wombles.

How is he going to do this you ask? Well, its very scientific. He's going to use a voice recorder, and then play it back to members of the crew who were not there at that particular time, and, wait for it.... ask them what they think it is! Genius!

Ah...the sh*t filters kicked in again, it happened as soon as he said there had been a report 'of a watch stopping'.
Jesus H Christ that must have been terrifying for the person involved.

Hang on...I wish he'd make his mind up. When asked about a legend involving a skull bringing all round doom and gloom on the place, he says "I don't think there is any evidence that curses work".. What? You're happy in the knowledge that Stuart throwing stones is paranormal, and yet you wont accept a curse? Come on O'Keefe, lets have a bit of continuity man...

David Wells and his hair gel arrive (Studioline Extra Hold £5.99). Followed by "Blah blah blah woman blah spirit blah blah" you get my drift, I don't see the point of transcribing what he said as it is just unsubstantiated opinion and means nothing. Fielding comes to the conclusion that there is only knocking when Wells is speaking, maybe the spirits are getting as thoroughly sick of the sound of his voice as I am?

There is a military bunker there, outside, with access to it via a ladder. Cut to a very unbecoming camera shot looking up at Wells as he descends the ladder. You know even in night vision it was still possible, just, to see the "Caution, Wide Load" sign on his butt. Fielding sh*ts herself when someone sneezes and there appears to be knocking coming from one corner of the room.

Karl: "Ooh, thats right by me."

Yeah, no sh*t Beattie....

"Is there anybody therrrrrre" knock once for affirmative and twice for negative...eh? what happened to yes and no, what with that and standing there with his hands in front of him, fingers steepled together, I fear Wells maybe turning into Spock....

Its about time we had a stone thrown, its been ages. They are now outside again. Wells gets "shoved" and there we are!! The first stone!!! Why is it showing up on thermal imaging? Its a stone, it would not be warm, unless someone had been holding it that is....

Time to split into groups. Beattie and Uncle Fester Stuart are left alone to play.
O'keefe goes with Frodo to the Reiki room and tries a bit of "laying on of hands" to recreate something or other.
Wells and Fielding have a little explore where they can hear lots of things I cant, and I have the TV turned up so loud its making the dog dry retch.
They get "touched" a lot. Hmmmm

Cut back to Cath, laid out on a table with O'Keefe standing over her running his hands over her body.

Frodo: "Somethings happening with my stomach, its like my clothes are being lifted from my skin."

Yeah, well its pitch black, any port in a storm eh Kieron you little stud muffin...... (just don't expect a long term relationship Cath, as soon as he's bored with you it'll be a broomstick shoved down your throat before you know it...)

Beattie and Fester are outside, "things" are heard on the other side of a wall, which is pretty near a road, you can hear the traffic. I was really, really hoping they were going to disturb a couple at the local dogging spot...

More stones are thrown at Fielding. "I never expected that, did you?" she says....oh for Gods sake...

Beattie and Fester seem to be under the impression that every ghost is evil, out to get them, going to do something incredibly dangerous/painful/hideous to them, have nothing better to do with their time than chuck rocks about and inhabit old dark places. If thats the afterlife, count me out. They're down the bunker trying their best to recreate "The Blair Witch Project"

Fester:" Who's down here with us, please tell us your name.... if you can talk"

Right, and if you cant, don't?.

Five minutes of the Karl and Stuart comedy routine of throwing about anything they can lay their hands on. Beattie (off camera of course) is hit in the face with something and almost dies from over acting.

Fester: "We need to get out of here before something bad happens"

Like, I don't know, the camera catching you throwing things maybe?

There is now a pointless bit where they both get lost in the woods, why are they showing this?

Fielding: "What more could possibly befall our researchers within Brougham Hall"?

Well I'm hoping for an outbreak of Ebola, or instant venereal disease, but given the choice, Ebola. At this moment in time I can think of nothing more satisfying than watching these two cough up their own livers.

Back to being lost in the woods, again... I get the feeling they are having to pad the time slot out a little. There is a rustle from one of the bushes, although nothing on camera. Its a wood for Gods sake!! A Hedgehog? a cow/cat/lost sheep/rabbit/fox/Wildebeest? I'm praying for a bear trap to be found by one of them, the hard way.....

Time for the seance. Some "table tipping", once again the spirits have nothing better to do than bugger about with the furniture. The only shot of the underside of the table is when it isn't moving. The rest of the time its on peoples faces. Wouldn't you think at a time like this the camera would be pointed at the table to catch this remarkable action?

Beattie, in an attempt to pad the time out a little more, decides to spin a coin on the table, for scientific reasons known only to him, still it killed a minute.
Nobody has been possessed in this episode, so, for no apparent reason, Fielding asks "is there a spirit with you that is maybe related to anyone here" (?) Why would anyone related to them be at Brougham Hall? Anyway, cue Yvette having a sob about her dead Grandmother who apparently has turned up. Bloody gatecrashers.

I have gained a little respect back for O'Keefe, not once did he mention the stones and most of the "happenings" he refused to back up because there was not enough evidence. Although he's still not forgiven for last weeks episode....

To conclude. This was sh*t. with a capital IT. Nothing, thats nothing caught on camera, and I'm not sure how long a program can hope to survive on people saying "did you hear that?". The stone throwing has now passed funny and has evolved into pathetic. I have yet to see anyone else who can drivel on about meaningless crap the Wells can. Fielding should be frisked for hip flasks, anyone that jumpy and emotional is probably on the sauce.....