Q:Do zebras mate for life, or are they all abit slutty?
Eric says: An excellent question! Although its more a pry into my social life rather than a personal problem of yours isn't it? Generally I have to say most Zebra's I know are a little on the slutty side, forget what you've read, we cant tell the difference between ourselves either. So, a presumed 'slutty' zebra, may in fact believe they are sleeping with the same zebra when in fact they have just unwittingly serviced the entire group. That exact same thing happened to myself only the other day. What a night THAT was.

Q:Eric, is it ok to stick your tongue down someones throat within 2 minutes of meeting them??
Eric says: This is completely acceptable. But before you embark on such activities there is just one question you must ask yourself. Is this person Christopher Biggins? If the answer to this question is "Yes" then there are much broader social issues to consider and I beg that you reconsider. Also in this day and age you should consider using protection, a bus shelter for example. Eric.

Q:Dear Eric My 18 year old daughter is in love with a 6 foot 6 tall, bald, bearded, black and white face-painted death metal band member who takes six types of medication and has adult ADD. What shall I do?
Eric says: Embrace this man to your bosom. Its so rare to find such fine qualities in a person these days. There is the added bonus of building a strong relationship with your prospective son in law by comparing medication and swapping make up tips.

Q:eric, have you ever had a one night stand, and then felt very cheap and used afterwards? i have, and id like to know what to do to make myself feel better.
Eric says: In answer to your first question. Believe me, the prices I charge would never leave me with that "cheap" feeling. As for being used, it depends on what I was being used for and if it involved the Korean ladies hockey team. As you are probably aware, due to a number of qualifications and simple certificates I bought on the Internet, I consider myself fully qualified to prescribe to you a weeks intensive self abuse, this should leave you too tired to think about anything seriously and should generally make you feel better about things. Dr Eric.

Q:You say your not cheap what sort of prices do you charge? Or is that a bit of a tall order?
Eric says: Well you know the old saying, "If you have to ask the price, you cant afford it", although I do offer a credit scheme and something similar to a Christmas savings club, only without the hamper. There are also a number of "stunt" zebras that I can recommend if you're a bit strapped for cash, although I would suggest you got them to wash first. Preferably in bleach.

Q:Is there an agony Zebra Aunt for us females with problems? Or do we just ask you for help and advice?????
Eric says: Or a gay one? A cross dressing one? One with the clap? For heavens sake, Ive read every copy of "Chat" and "Belle" magazine published. Im MORE than qualified to answer intimate and personal female problems.

Q:So you are an agony UNC-AUNT my friend suffers with P.M.T is there anything you can suggest to help she is driving me mad.
Eric says: Your 'friend'. Right... When you say P.M.T I presume you are referring to Purcell Miller Tritton who are a professional company of Architects and Designers. This surprises me, they are a well established company and I cant see them causing your 'friend' any problems. If the symptoms persist, I would suggest a look through the Yellow Pages for a different company.

Q:I'm a little over weight, my new friend says I need to lose at least a stone and a bit before he will take me dancing. HELP me Eric I dont want to lose him.
Eric says: Dear tubs, forget dancing, its over rated anyway, besides, you don't want to be damaging the dance floor do you? Im wondering why he requires you to lose weight to go dancing, is it the JitterBug he's thinking of? If this is the case, its not your weight thats a problem, its his strength. If you insist on going through with this, either cut back on the burgers or consider a winch and pulley set-up, available from your local garage.

Q:A close friend of mine has very bad breath. What can I tell him to suck to get rid of it.
Eric says: Its now established that in most cases, bad breath is cased by bacteria on the tongue, so for a quick solution, I would recommend removal of the tongue, a sharp tug should do it. If he is particularly attached to it, or it wont come out without assistance, a quick squirt of WD-40 is a good temporary cure.

Q:My 14 year old daughter spent a few days with her grandparents, early one morning she walked in on them making love. She says its disgusting for them to act in this way and now refuses to talk to them. What advice would you give.
Eric says: I agree with her totally, I have seen the video they put on the Internet and it beggers belief. I was shocked to see what was possible with a bag of sweet potatoes and industrial lubricant. I would break all contact with them, and consider legal advice.

Q:Eric are you old enough to drink? If so whats your favourite tipple.
Eric says: I am indeed. Its a well known fact that almost all zebras, of any size, drink Guinness. Although I am partial to a bit of Meths at times.....

Q:I want to tell my parents I am gay, what advice can you give me to make this easier.
Eric says: Dont worry about it, I have done some investigating for you and you can rest assured that anything you tell your parents will be fine. Your Father apparently spends every Thursday night in the Sheffield Travel Lodge under the name of Diane, and your Mother is a lot closer to 'Aunty' Pam than she's letting on. Trust me, it'll be fine.

Q:Can Zebras be bi sexual?
Eric says: Are you implying something? What have you seen? I have a good solicitor you know.......

Q:Dear Eric..... What do you look like?
Eric says: What do you think?... A bloody zebra!

Does a Zebra need a licence to drive?
Eric says: Yet another blatant attempt to pry into my personal life. I have hooves and no opposable thumbs. The only thing I can "drive" is a rollerskate.

Q:If possible can I have a black and white, yes and no kind of answer?! Does constant morphine pain relief consumption and repeated forced viewings of old "Most Haunted" on FTN (working man's living tv) by your lunatic Bates Motel prototype mother make you so completely crazy to the point that you spend your working day laughing at Badpsychics reports instead of actually working, following links, emailing them to women of a certain age to deliberately ruin all their Degsy fantasies? Or was I just lazy and sick of work in the first place? You be the judge, sorry, another Yvettism, I must detox, am off to buy apple juice for my extra smooth JD single barrel, if I have to watch shit might as well drink good stuff. Would you mate with pepe le phew, with the same colour thing going on? Just curious.
Eric says: This isn't a question, its a book for Christ's sake! In answer to your first 'vague' question, the answer is Yes, I think. Would I mate with a skunk? You pervert, Le Phew is a boy! Thats not mating, thats just the wrong sort of nightclub, have you ever seen a Zebra in leather chaps? No, I think not. My collection of Music Hall greats on DVD has no relevance to my sexuality at all.

Q:I was wondering what Eric thought of 'Swinging'?
Eric says: Slides are much more fun, although harder on the arse.....

Q:Has eric ever had a painful std? and what did he do about it??
Eric says: Im afraid to admit I have had one, although not painful. It was in my teenage years and after a very drunken one night stand, I found I had contracted a very bad case of greenfly. Too ashamed to visit the chemist, I spent a week laying naked in the garden trying to attracted Ladybirds. A very sad episode in my life indeed.

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