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Most Haunted Review Dartford Library
The seam of my favourite burgundy smoking jacket ripped quietly as I caught it on the edge of the chaise long,
*dammit* I thought as I wandered slowly through the smaller of the two ballrooms in Meercat Towers.
Unhooking myself I
walked towards the partially open door leading to the library. I looked down at the small wire haired terrier padding happily
along at my feet. "Watson" I said, "This is indeed a curious case", Watson stopped and looked up at me, "I agree Holmes, most
curious", the East Yorkshire accent clipping the 'o' from Holmes. Startled, I stopped in my tracks.
The dog talking? In
an East Yorkshire accent? But Watson's from Basingstoke! "Stop it Watson" I reprimanded him, "your mimicry of regional accents
is becoming tiresome, and takes us away from the case in hand". Watson hung his head, "Sorry Holmes" he said quietly, "Shalt
happen again".
We moved into the library, Watsons feet tapping softly on the wooden floor. Taking a long draw on my
Calabash pipe, I removed it from the corner of my mouth and placed it gently on a small writing bureau. I had made the washing
up liquid mixture a little strong this morning and I was fearful of the bubbles damaging some of the prized first editions.
"Yes Watson, a curious case indeed" I mused. "and Watson", the terriers ears pricked up, "please don't drag your arse along
the Anatolian rug, its priceless you know.". Watson hurriedly got to his feet. "Sorry Holmes, its the worms again" he muttered,
embarrassed, he sat under the bureau.
I clasped my hands behind my back and slowly walked around the library, mentally
preparing one of my now famous monologues. "Watson, what we have here is a dilemma. A library that is not haunted, and yet
is haunted. As I have told you many a time my small furry assistant, we must fall back upon the old axiom that when all other
contingencies fail, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth, that is unless of course you are dealing with
the instructions for a self assembly Ikea bedroom set.
Now Watson, hand me my violin, I feel the need to play". Watson
poked his head from under the bureau, "I'm sorry Holmes" he said "you sold it on Ebay last week, remember?". I thought back,
ah yes, a buy it now price of £23.85, damn those morphine filled nights on the Internet. "In that case Watson, pass me the
tambourine, I shall have to folk dance instead". Antix... I keep hearing the name Antix.....
Meercat and The Most Distressing Case Of The Haunted Library That
Wasn't.
I spent a great deal of time Googling Dartford Library
to find out some history of paranormal happenings there. I could find nothing documented, at all. I even been told by forum
members who have lived or grown up in that part of the World that they too have never heard of anything remotely spooky about
the place. So I'm intrigued to see what the crew will find in a place that is about as haunted as my left buttock.
Fielding:
"Ive
brought my team to Dartford Library for an investigation first"
So that'll be an investigation into paranormal
happenings in a place where there are no paranormal happenings. Certainly a first for me.
"The building was extended
over the site of the old Dartford Tin works"
Yes, I did Google for Ghosts relating to the Tin Works as well, as far
as I can see, the most dramatic thing that happened at the Tin Works was that sometimes they made Tin.
Now we get the
full Google history of the building, so far so good. This is great because its always nice to lear.... Hang on!....
"Over
the years the Library staff have reported all manner of strange occurrences"
They've done bloody what? To
who?... Ooo there's more.... "from strong old fashioned sense"... what in the name of God is 'strong old fashioned
sense'?
"footsteps, objects appearing to move without human assistance, and being touched by an unseen presence".
WHAT?
Where has Fielding got this information from? Anywhere else with a history like this has Ghost tours
trampling through it every week. The local 'Ghost Walk' would start at the Library's steps, it would be all over the Internet
as every other allegedly haunted place is. I can see where the Ghostbuster theme comes in now, she's reading the back of the
DVD...
Fielding: "With such an unusual location and so much paranormal activity".
Stop it! No no no!
It is not an unusual location, its a bloody library in Dartford, its not a cats home built half way up an Oak tree.
That would be an unusual location. And 'SO much paranormal activity'... where is this woman? Is she in the right
Library? Or even the right town? And who makes the collars for her coats? Is he drunk? So many questions, so little time of
sobriety left....
"Who would be brave enough to spend the night in the Library"
Well, there is a primary
school not far from me, the pupils are aged about 4 to 6 years, most of them burst into tears if you even shout at them a
little (yes I have tried), and I'm betting that anyone of them would be 'brave enough'. But no, its Karl and Stuart, Oh they
are so brave....
Stuart: "I don't like
being here, and I'm not just saying that"
Yes you are, you just said it, you said "I don't like being here"
so don't start claiming you didn't.
Anyway, I don't like you being there either Stuart, in fact I don't much like you
being anywhere.
Someone bangs a pipe. Karl has "someone behind him" and soils himself.
As Karl has mentioned before,
(no don't giggle) he is an honorary Samurai, in the event of Japan going to war, he is obliged to protect the emperor.
The
Japanese must be so proud they have a hero like Karl to protect them. That is unless the war is held in an attic and one of
the enemy accidentally knocks a pipe.....
Fielding:
"One of the strange phenomena is centered around the books
themselves. On many occasions when going to retrieve a specific book, the book mysteriously slides off and hits the floor"
A
specific book. Which one? Is this opposed to retrieving a random book? How does the 'spirit' know if you are being specific?
You may just be randomly selecting books, although halfway through you may... oh forget it....
"Staff complain of being
grabbed by unseen hands" I should be so lucky. I'm just Googling for "Librarian courses" now.....
Eye Witness time.
Which I think could be translated into:
Here's fifty quid, now just read what we've written on this bit of card.
Aaargh!!!!!
No,
its ok. Thought I had seen a presence on screen. It is in fact the 'Guest Medium' who senses "many souls". That surely
should be "many books". She feels "something unsavory happened there... someone was hidden" Behind a pile of
books? Surely they would have been found quite quickly? Unless of course they were behind a pile of Silvia Brownes book, "Things
I got right".
The 'Medium' feels a "violent happening, a strike to the head". This is a bloody Town Library for
heavens sake not a battlefield. Why hasn't any of this shown up with research?
Fielding: "the door closes by itself"
Eyewitness
"you cant physically slam the door because of the spring"
Ok, so the door has a spring. The spring is there
to close the door. The door closes by itself. It appears the spring on the door is doing what it was designed to do. Good
work door spring people.
Fielding: "The image of an old lady is seen in the back office by staff, who alarmingly
describe her as looking 'half dead'"
Whats alarming? the bit that there is a half dead ghost, or the bit that there
is a ghost that's half alive. I'm confused. A half dead ghost. Hell, even the dogs confused.
"Her appearance is
accompanied by the smell of lavender, but who is she?"
Pretty obvious I would have thought, quite plainly she's the
"half dead old lady who smells of lavender", God, do I have to do everything for you Fielding?
Turncoat O'Keefe is
here. "There is no reason why we cant experience phenomena here". That is other than the fact that there is no phenomena
there Cieron?
Fielding; "What would David Wells make of this Literary Storehouse"... Literary Storehouse? What
happened to Library? "With SO MUCH paranormal activity", Yep, keep repeating it love, we may start to believe it....
I'm
afraid you know my feelings on Wells these days, I cant bring myself to transcribe his mindless wafflings. If I hear the word
"residual" once more I swear I may shave the terrier out of spite....
I'm going to have to fast forward over
Wells, no amount of booze will will dull this pain...
Tappings. And that bloody stupid question he always asks..."are
we any danger here" NO NO NO!!!! better still this week "is it going to get worse for us?" Worse than what?
Its not you Wells who has to bloody watch this! I can guarantee its going to get worse for me!
Fielding:
"This is the first time Im actually walking around like this because I cant see!"
Youre in the dark, using
night vision, the same as you do every week Yvette, why is it this week you cant see in the dark?
"I cant see a damn
thing"
ITS DARK YOU STUPID WOMAN! That's why Bill Gates invented the light bulb!
Something 'hits the floor',
its a small piece of wood, unfortunately I was hoping for a bit of two by four which could have taken three, possibly four
of them out at one time.
Fielding has a screaming fit, the sort of noise only heard when listening to a small marmoset
giving birth to 7 fully grown chickens.
And why? Her leg was 'touched'. I Googled "over acting" and came up with "fielding"
as the first 86 hits.
There is 'tapping' right by Beattie. In fact every week there is tapping right by Beattie. Curious.....
Fielding:
"David, can you go first, Cieron, can you bring up the rear"
I'm saying nothing. I really really want to, but Im
saying nothing.
A book (off camera of course) falls from a shelf.. we are told. "I saw it with my own eyes"
says trustworthy Fielding.
Whoa!! A minute ago you couldn't "see a damn thing", now you can see a book
falling of a shelf six feet away.
The book is "The way of all Flesh" by Samuel Butler. "Niiiice" says Fielding
with horror in her voice. Not a very good choice of book to drop Stuart if you want to make it look ominous.
Yes the
title sounds a little spooky, what with the 'Flesh' bit, but it is fact a book about shagging maids and questioning Victorian
Society. Next time pick "You're all going to Die" by Graham Norton or something.
Karl see's something (Nothing) and
people point, then dribble on about it for a few minutes.
Wells: "Beware the man, shes telling me there is another
male here hiding. But he's obviously cloaked himself so far"
Cloaked himself? A Klingon? Me! Me! Pick me! Erm....Lieutenant
Wharf!
Seance time. Why for Gods sake why! Blowing on hands.
Wells: "I thought I saw someone walking across
there". John goes to check. "It wasn't anyone earthly I know that for a fact" And at that point two very earthly
people walk across the shot.
No cameras under the table, again. What is the point of this crap. Wells has an "episode"...
"Look! my hands going! I have no control over it!".. Yeah ok David. I tried this just now with the bloke next door,
I wiggled my fingers at him and said look! I have no control over it!.... He punched me.
Karl kicks the table at David.
Cant blame him really.
They now "order books" from the Spirits. "Have you got one on philosophy?", and a book
(off camera) appears. "Wow! Socrates" explains Fielding".
Why is Wells reading the list of books from a piece
of paper? Is he not capable of thinking of a book?
"Have you got one on how to be a more convincing Medium?" asks
Wells and a book titled "Stone throwing for beginners" by K. Beattie appears. No it didn't. Really.
Another book appears.
Yvette has now improved her eyesight so much that she can not only see in the dark but through shelves as well. "I saw
that" she says.
"Have you any books on the Second World War" asks Wells.
A loud bang. "Was that you
Stuart" asks Fielding. Of course it bloody was, it always is!
Two books on the table, one with a swastika on the
back. "Wow!" says fielding, "the second World War!", well its not exactly a "The History of WW2", I have it
myself, its Sven Hassel "Wheels of Terror", a novel.
Please make this end. I'm crying here.
Stuart and Karl
alone again. "Is there anyone here" asks Stuart. "Did you used to work here? Do you still work here?"
What?
Id see bloody personnel about that. It may be a benefit fraud. Dead person works at Library, cash in hand.
Then for
no reason what so ever, and without warning, Stuarts head explodes. Karl giggles at whats left of Stuart until he wets himself.
Im sorry, Im just having to make things up, I'm dying of boredom here and I don't want to be a 'half dead Ghost'.
A book by Mohamed Ali is found. Brilliant. This is followed by the most blatant attempt to create a paranormal happening.
Karl pushes two books of a shelf. I cant believe they expect anyone with a mental age of 4 and above to believe any of this
sh*t as real.
Turncoat O'Keefe appears to think all this is "significant".
If I can catch the dog, I'm going
to shave it, and its going to be Beatties fault.
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