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Most Haunted
Review Stockport Workhouse
I'm on edge, and its not the fact that shortly I will
have to endure another episode of Most Haunted.
You see my problem is, I have Death sitting next to me.
He hasn't
said much in the last half hour or so, which to be honest has just added to the tension a little. Earlier he did accept a
slice of Battenburg and a cup of Darjeeling, but they both remain untouched on the coffee table. Its a shame, its good cake.
There are questions I need to ask him, but fearful of the answers, I remain equally as silent. It feels like a bad
date, two people sat awkwardly together on the sofa. The gap between them just too wide to feel intimate.
I look at the
television remote on the table. Its nearly nine o'clock, time for Most Haunted. Should I ask him if its ok to watch television?
But its my house, I should be able to do what I want, and yet having Death sat next to you does change things somewhat.
I have a sudden attack of bravery, or stupidity,
I'm not sure which, and reach for the remote. "You don't mind do you" I ask Death in a hurried voice, Silence, and then the
dark hood covering what I presume will be a 'face' shook slowly from side to side.
"You'll like this" I continued
"its all abou....", I stopped mid sentence, maybe Death is not the right person to be discussing Most Haunted with. Oh this
is ridiculous, I cant carry on like this, lets just get it over with. "Erm..Death? Is it my time? Is that why you're here?".
The dark hood nods slowly.
Strangely I'm not as shocked as I thought I would be, I feel almost calm. Deaths arm reached
out to grasp the large scythe laying on the floor, his small furry paw stroking the long blade almost lovingly.
Wait
a bloody minute. A small furry paw? I took hold of his hood, quickly throwing it back from his face. My wire haired terrier
sat there grinning. Doris the dog? You Bastard.
The Curious Case of The Wrong Episode.
Stockport Workhouse
13th February 2007
Right, well this has really buggered up everything. LivingTV has decided
to broadcast next weeks episode instead of the advertised one. So I now have to wait for another week to see Carol Thatcher
soil herself. Added to the fact that I now have to get back on Google, I'm not in a 'nice' frame of mind. I may not be as
nice as I usually am with my reviews.
The clue is in the title. Its a workhouse (or was) and
its in Stockport. Its a bit like the London Underground, its underground and its in London, you get where I'm coming from.
The
bleached apparition that is Yvette Fielding starts the show peering out of an old window, it looks like she's been jammed
into a dolls house for some reason, but that may be the whiskey...
Fielding:
"One of the scariest locations we
have been to", I rapidly Google.... erm... no its not. There now follows the long history of the workhouse, terrible conditions,
bad food, families separated etc etc Just do a search for any Victorian workhouse, I'm pretty sure they will all say the same.
"The
remains of the building are said to be alive with spiritual unrest", well, we shall see... "innumerable reports of
ghostly apparitions". As usual, I'm struggling to find these, but it is a last minute search I suppose.
Fielding
is back in the dolls house.
"Who would spend the night alone and in the dark here?". Carol Thatcher! I shout
at the screen before realising I was watching the wrong episode. Its Frodo Cath and Jon.
This week Cath appears to
have been knitted.
Jon needs a dentist. And a shave. Oh, and a haircut. I give them 23 seconds before they scream
like children and bugger off.
Cath starts to become hysterical, for what reason I don't know, but she starts to speak and
then her voice goes so high my whiskey glass shatters in my hand, the dogs ears are bleeding.
So that was the end of the
first nights vigil. Very enlightening.
Fielding;
"This is the womans wing,in its day it would have been depressing,
now its terrifying"
Well admittedly the paintwork is a little shabby and a bit of Cillit Bang wouldn't go amiss,
but not really "terrifying".
"Footsteps are said to pace the floor, muffled sounds of women have been witnessed
and screams heard echoing in the dead of night"
Look, I don't want to mention my ex wife again, but this is all
sounding very familiar....
Eye Witness time! No 'Guest Medium' this week, which is fantastic news, but instead we have
'Nicola' who has been on two vigils at the workhouse. On one of them, she smelt tobacco smoke. Its a long shot I know, but
maybe someone had been smoking in there?
I know how crazy that sounds, but just a thought...
She also capture
several "orbs" on camera, "most of which could probably be explained away by dust particles, but a couple of which
were, hopefully indicative of paranormal activity, they were really detailed and patterned"
Yep you could see the
stitching and everything. I still don't know why when we die we turn into Tinkerbell......
More drivel from Fielding,
plates rattling, murmurs heard, screams etc. Another eye witness talking about bloody orbs "Which made us think it was
genuine"
Oh for Christ sake man, get a grip.
O'Keeffe. I'm struggling to find nice things to say about him
these days, and while I'm doing that, Wells appears on screen. I bang my head repeatedly on the wall, trying to get my internal
'Medium Bullsh*t Filter' working, but its not.
He's getting "Bone shaking Wailing" and surprise surprise, has
found a "little girl". I swear this man is the Pied Piper of Hamlet. She seems "quite happy". What, with "Bone
Shaking Wailing" going on? Strange kid, I bet she wears a hoody.
She's "Victorian, The rhymes going, the ring
a ring a roses thing, its a time point for me". Well I remember singing that in the early 19'70's, sh*t, I'm Victorian,
that explains the luxurious handlebar mustache...
He gets "Annie", "Annie Chased or Casey". There is an Annie
Chase thats shown as the daughter of the Workhouse Master on Google, Wells nicely gets the name 'just wrong', so it wont show
he's reading off the cue cards.
Fielding once again hears nothing and states "Blimey Karl, thats right by you".
Thats the third week on the trot she has said that now.
Wells has a feeling that someone is on his shoulder, "Its not Annie", why do I keep expecting him to burst
into a chorus of
"Tooomowwow Tooomowwow, theres always tooomowwow, its only a day awaaaaay"?
"Can
you hear it" says Fielding, erm no, the entire floor moves, apparently. The only noise I can hear is what sounds like
someone tapping on the boom microphone.
They go to the mortuary. Wells looks at the 'slab'...
Wells: "Theres
clearly been bodies on there".
Ok, it took a psychic medium to figure out that a slab in a mortuary would have had
bodies on it... Genius.....
He has a "classic shadowy dark figure", "I just got the impression of him lying
here and the words 'not dead'"
Yeah, well he is now mate obviously...
Fielding: "Earlier on in the day when
we were filming in here a couple of things were thrown" Oh sh*t, here we go. How many times must we suffer this?
I
have said in previous reviews, I must have been in thousands of buildings in my life and not once has anything been thrown
by 'spirits' and yet this bunch get in every bloody building they walk into...
As they leave the room, a loud bang
is heard, funny that, it only happens when everyones back is turned. Good timing Stuart.
Seance time. Wells is trying
to communicate with spirits "using his mind", Karl is cold and Cath has a hair ball.
She has a coughing fit, which apparently is paranormal. Obviously
as paranormal as Wells getting something in his eye last week.
"Thats what they do when they try and manipulate
your voice box" says Wells.
Of course they do David. She has a cough for crying out loud. I shall remember to tell
the Doctor that next time he tells me to give up smoking. "Its not the fags Doc, I'm possessed"
"I couldn't breath"
says cath. Try taking off one of the twelve scarves you always wear then you silly woman.
Only this crowd could turn a
cough into a supernatural event.
"The strange effect on Cath left her shaken but with no lasting harm"
OH
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD SHE HAD A COUGH! She was not mysteriously transported to the 7th layer of Hell to roam the
burning coals with a penknife in her eye and a marrow up her arse, SHE COUGHED!
Wells see's "a sparkle on the staircase"
Christ its like Liberace without the piano...
"With so much having happened"
A cough
"We decided to set
up an experiment using Cieron as a 'cipher'"
Now I looked up the definition of cipher and the only thing that came
close was "a person of no influence"
"our feeling is that ceirons skepticism could block potential contact
with the paranormal. In order to channel his energy more positively I asked him to imagine his worst nightmares and to let
those thoughts overwhelm him in an attempt to provoke more paranormal activity during the coming vigil"
So what
happened to him being "a person of no influence"? And to be honest, over the last few weeks I see no evidence of Ceirons
'skepticism' affecting anything!
"That was a big bang" NO NO NO it wasn't!
Stuart throws a glass at the radiator.
I'm not even going to bother saying "maybe threw", its getting so bloody predictable now. Lots of screams and blah blah and
then let make a big issue out of the fact that it may be the glass from the seance table. Well excuse me, of course its the
glass from the table, you know it, I know it, Stuart certainly bloody knows it. They check, yes it was. TaDaaa.
Karl,
'goes it alone in the dark'. Last time he did this he ran into a wall and knocked himself out. I'm hoping this time someone
has left a threshing machine running...
O'Keeffe:
"Stockport workhouse was interesting investigation for the
team because it was almost like a hidden location. Even members of the crew who lived in the stockport area were unaware of
its existence"
You mean like Cath having a relative who worked there?
Blimey! Whats with O'Keeffe
all of a sudden? I wish he would make his mind up over if he is a turncoat/not turncoat. He is actually speaking sense about
requiring more video footage to explain something. Is he on the way out? He was very happy that there was no stone throwing!
Bloody hell, me too! But you loved the stones Ceiron, why change your mind now?
"There is nothing there that convinces
me that there is anything paranormal at that location"
Oh Ceiron!! Welcome home! Come in, lie down, I'll rub your
feet.
Right, if I can find that bloody dog, I'm going to make use of this scythe.....
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