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Most Haunted Review Southstack Lighthouse
Yvette informs us that they are visiting the "infamous" Southstack Lighthouse."
Hang on, I googled that a couple of days ago and I can assure you I never saw it was "infamous", but lets face it, its a very
tall thin building with a light on top. "Infamous" does sound better come to think of it....
We are then told the story
of John "Jack" Jones (see Google, or any other search engine). Nice to hear Yvette mention that he died 3 weeks later. So
that clarifies the point that he didn't die at the lighthouse, he was injured there.
"Southstack
has a troubled history, where death plays a prominent role" Eh? Its a lighthouse! not a bloody dungeon! Yvette asks
the question "could the spirits of sailer's, lighthouse keepers and their families haunt
the lighthouse". Why oh why would the sailer's be haunting it? Didn't they die in the sea?
Time for the "pre
show" stay over. Karl and Geoff (three words mate, shave and haircut). I cant believe the first program of series 9 goes straight
in with the "stone throwing". This crew have seen more rocks than an Iranian adulterer. Geoff looks positively freaked out
(possibly due to the fact of Karl making him sit through a 'Casper the Ghost' DVD a couple of times before they went in to
"get him in the mood".
Yvette voice over: "so already, stone throwing and very loud
rapping" (Yes, my thoughts also....)
We are told the door rattles, aha! A door on a lighthouse that rattles when
nobody is there. Its gale force 6 outside. MY doors rattle when the dog sneezes....
Antix really seem to have gone overboard
with the visual effects, its either that or Ive drunk more than I thought I had, and someones been let loose with a Moog keyboard...
Hang
on, who's this.....? Its a bloke called 'David Stack' describing the death of Jack Jones (One word Mr Stack...dentist) Now
the best bit about this is that the caption on the screen reads "David Stack - Eyewitness"..WHAT??? That was in 1859!! He's
looking damn good,( well ok, good, well ok, he's looking 'ok', ok he's not looking 'ok' but he is breathing), for a bloke
who's approaching 150! Finally, the bit I was waiting for. The adverts. Oh thats spoilt it. Two adverts featuring Ainsley
Harriot. Not sure this could get any worse.
Its no good, Ive sort of lapsed into that frame of mind I always get whilst
watching Most Haunted these days, its a sort of a "This could be condensed into about ten minutes" feeling. I need more drink.
And maybe some trifle....
And we're back. Mr Wells informs us that he has seen two Victorian children playing outside.
I don't know, sheer drop cliffs and kids, you cant keep 'em away can you...
We then spend an excruciating five minutes watching Wells, Fielding and O'Keefe
standing at 45 degrees in a hurricane while Wells informs us what we already know from Google (The first 'hit' on Google to
be precise) "Its like one of those nightmares" says Wells. What... the one with the
Jelly and the goats? Oh no, the one where you cant reach something.....
In the lighthouse itself we are into "Most
Haunted Predictability". Fielding gasping/jumping/saying "did you hear that"/pointing/generally
seeing and hearing things nobody else can. This is complimented by pointing the cameras at peoples faces INSTEAD of where
any of these things are supposed to be happening. Once more we have stones being thrown (yawn) and Uncle Fester Stuart mumbling "I didn't do it" and generally
being nipped/punched/shoved/slapped/scratched/dressed up like Jemima Puddle-duck, by malicious spirits. The lighthouse is
now boring. I want to see the bit where they get blown off the cliff. Lets face it, even falling down the stairs would do...
Wells
was keen to get outside again and explore the cottages. (I will refrain from any jokes here, I have been warned).
It never
ceases to amaze me with what Uncle Fester Stuart carries around with him.
A horseshoe was thrown. Now the horse itself would have been impressive, even a Shetland Pony, or a perhaps a small Donkey.
The Spirits are throwing things at David, at this point I have to be honest, I was wanting to do the same. They all seem pretty
convinced they have actual spirit contact so it comes as a bit of a surprise when Yvette says "they
have to move on and look somewhere else".
Someone tries to hit Cath with a shovel. Well, once again, to be honest
at this point......
Karl informs us that it is a "malevolent entity", well,
ain't it always?
Something hits Jeff. This gets better. Its a chicken bone. Jeff has been assaulted by a KFC. Fielding tells us that "being hit by stones is not a particularly nice experience".
Its not just a show, its an education isn't it? I was waiting for "and attaching your testicles to a car battery is not a
lot of laughs" but she let me down....
I'm REALLY looking forward to the adverts now, even the laser eye treatment
ones are holding an element of excitement for me...
God I hope this is ending soon, its making my skin itch, and I'm
getting pains in places I wasn't aware I had places. Here we go again. Wells: "Are there
any astrals here". Eh? Theres probably half a dozen spirits sat in the corner, "Does
he mean us"? "No... its 'astrals' he wants mate", "Oooh right, not seen any of them, you?", "Nope, shut up and eat your chicken".
Uncle Fester Stuart climbs to the top of the lighthouse, probably in an attempt
to throw it. More stones are thrown, sadly the KFC appears to have run out (cut to Wells wiping breadcrumbs off his shirt)
Yvette: "How do you begin to explain these strange events", ...well, you
could start with Stuart, and then really just point randomly at the rest of the crew, I'm pretty sure you'll sort it out quite
quickly dear.
"For the sceptics out there, I hope we've given you something to think
about"
Yep, like how much am I paying for my Sky subscription?
This was dreadful. More than dreadful. I could
have had just a fraction more entertainment by nailing my own elbows to the ceiling. A tired old format that has really run
its course now. If you believe that every bit of dust and every insect is an 'orb', and that when you die you become a rock
wielding, table pushing tap dancer then this will no doubt have you reaching for your Toys R Us Ghost Hunting Kit, but I'm
hoping that most will see it for what it is. I'm now very very drunk, and full of trifle.
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