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Most Haunted Review Alton Towers
I'm doing a lot of 'looking' at the moment. I'm looking at the video cassette that I recorded Most Haunted on
last night. I'm looking at the clock, its 9 in the morning. I'm looking at the large whiskey I have just poured myself. I'm
looking at the open book in front of me... "Pears Medical Encyclopedia", the page reads "Liver Damage". I look at the video
cassette again *is it worth it* I think to myself, I read some more
Quote:
"The liver has an amazing ability
to repair itself. It can function normally even if only a small part of it is in working order"
I look at the reddish
brown lump of flesh on the plate before of me, I'm not sure what a damaged liver looks like, but mine seems ok, I prod
it with a pencil. It makes a small whistling noise like a balloon deflating. *is that damaged?* I think, *is it supposed to
make that noise?*.
I spin a coin, heads its healthy, tails its damaged, wishing now they had not kicked me out of medical
school after the formaldehyde incident. Its heads. Thank God. I take a large mouthful of whiskey, the fluid burning my tongue.
Now, how the hell do I put it back in again.......
Most Haunted 30th January 2007: Meercat and the mysterious
case of the Bondage Tree.
I have gathered together the tools of my trade. After the mysterious disappearance
of my "Most Haunted Review Kit" cardboard box last week, I'm struggling. That and the fact its the morning after the program.
Getting drunk at this time of the day seems unnatural, but still I persevere. I have used Wild Turkey Bourbon instead of milk
on my 'Morrison's own brand' Crunchy Nut Cornflakes and my boiled egg soldiers have been rubbed down with medical alcohol
wipes. I have spent an hour picking out all the yellow circle dog biscuits out of the packet, and have balanced them in a
small tower on the table in front of me. In with the video, and away we go.
The Devils child Fielding appears after
Antix have overdone the opening scenes yet again. Either that or I'm suffering some serious flash backs to my earlier
years of drug experimentation. Dizzy with senses overloaded I see the screen settle down and the Fielding speaks.
"The
Young King of Mercia originally occupied this site, and only ruled for seven short years". Short years? Ah... that was back
in the days when years only had 178 days in them, so Christmas came round sooner.
"Until insanity overtook him and
many believe that both he and the grounds on which the fortress stood had been cursed". She's at it already... "many believe",
who?
Anyway, Id much rather insanity overtook me rather than it tailgating me, flashing its headlights for the rest of
my life.....
"Who would be mad enough to spend the night alone here?" she asks. "Keith Moon!!" I shout at the
screen, but she ignores me. It turns out SHE would be, with Cieron O'Keefe (turncoat/not turncoat, make your mind up
man).
Fielding: "Did you hear that?" I swear to God that phrase is going to be on her headstone. "No No NO!!!!!" I
shout at the television. Once again I have the volume on full, the Postman dare not approach the house as the words "DID YOU
HEAR THAT?" makes my windows rattle.
Fielding is, how shall it put this, a little jumpy. No that not right, shes bloody
hysterical. The camera leaps about as she 'hears' things.
O'Keefe: "That was a door". What was a bloody door? "I cant
describe it any other way" erm... how about 'a hinged opening'? Whatever you want to call it Cieron, it was still silent.
O'Keefe:
"Oh sh*t, that was loud!" NO NO NO!! It wasn't!!!!! I have shattered glass where my windows used to be, the decibels coming
from the TV speaker have broken them, a small group of people have gathered outside my house. I hear sirens in the distance...
Fielding:
"Already the oppressive nature of the Towers had intrigued Ceiron" Yep, that and the large cheque she discreetly slips in
his jacket pocket.
We now have Fielding outside whilst she recounts the Legend of the Earl of Shrewsburys chance encounter
with Dennis Thatcher during a Gun running expedition in Tripoli in 1978.
Ok, I made that bit up, she's just doing the
old Google bit to fill the time in a bit. Legends, haggard old Lady's, curses, death, trees being tied up with chains, that
sort of stuff, just your regular night out in Grimsby really.
The obligatory eye witness makes an appearance. He's
seen and felt and heard blah blah blah..... Ive managed to fish out most of my cornflakes and am now just drinking directly
from the bowl.....
I'm hoping Fielding is going to tell us that the place has a history of stone throwing. We shall
see....
Fielding: "there are lots of stories from people who visit here, they have been pelted by stones while they
cue for the rides"
There we go!!!!
I did a Google search for "Alton Towers pelted by stones" and came up with "Mindless yobs pelted a fire engine with
stones as it made an emergency ..." "an attack on a pub which was pelted with bricks and stones by a gang of youths. ..."
and "They have also pelted the church with eggs and been smoking cannabis and ..." but no reports of people being pelted with
stones while they wait for the rides. I rub my chin....curious.....
In the background of this shot, Stuart can be
seen struggling with a large box marked "pebbles"......
David Wells appears. His first question to the spirit world
is "Are we in any danger in this building". I think that should be directed at the Director of Health and Safety for
the Park, rather than the spirits. As far as I'm aware there have been no mysterious deaths at Alton Towers since the Legend
started in 1821, so to ask if they are in any danger seems a little, erm....bloody pointless.
Time for a contradiction.
Wells:
"Theres no names, theres no sense of presence here, I'm fighting to find a an individual attached specifically to this place"
So, nothing here then. No sense of presence.
"But there is a wafting"
Oh hang on.....
"Theres
a female wandering around"
Oh.. a presence then
"She looks as if she looks after the whole thing, as shes very
authoritative"
Thats a bit descriptive for "no presence here"
"Shes like a Governess kind of figure, with a gown
on , a very serious looking gown, a black gown with a white ruff, its very tight, nipped in at the waist, big at the back,
shes very commanding, takes complete charge of the place"
Hang on a bloody minute. Eight seconds ago you said:
Quote:
"There's
no names, there's no sense of presence here. I'm fighting to find an individual attached specifically to this place"
And
now your describing Nanny Mcfee.
Is it possible that just out of camera shot you have Beattie and a big stick poking Wells
in the back whispering menacingly "What do you mean 'no presence here', make something up, and do it quick you bastard,
I have your Poodle 'fluffy' here David, see me twisting its leg?"
Sorry, my sh*t filter has kicked in, we have
the 'knocking' can Stuart spirit knock out how many spirits are here. Wells senses Children, now theres a surprise.
As they walk out of the room, all I can hear is a sh*t load of bangs like fireworks, and not one of them says "did you hear
that..."
Wells: "Blah blah blah blah lines of people blah blah" He has a 'hooded claw' moment.. eh? A male just showing
his eyes...
Fielding: "What sort of activity do you think we are going to experience?"
Wells: "I think we're going
to get objects thrown at us"
Says it all really.
The first stone is thrown. I was on the edge of my seat hoping
O'Keefe was going to say "Look Stuart, I have a reputation to keep, you can get a job with your family, I cant, so for
Christ sake, STOP buggering about with stones". But he didn't, he just backed up what Fielding said. I see we are back
to 'turncoat' mode.
Wells gets called a Witch. Oooh.
Then.... Wells informs us someone has called him a "C*nt".
I'm
starting to believe in the paranormal. I'm thinking back to the days when Uri Geller would encourage all the TV audience at
home to shout "Bend" at the screen. I think the same thing has happened here.
More stones are thrown, Beatties says
he gets pushed. Once again Fielding goes off on a "God that was a big stone, it was right by me!" Blahblah blah Blah Blah!
Seance
time, I'm hoping for a locked off camera at the underside of the table... I am, as always disappointed.... as I was with the
seance.
Frodo Cath,
See's a white light. Either she has had her teeth removed or shes half way through eating a muffin.
Anyway after much camera
waving about and Frodo pointing and speculating, she says, "it may have been a feather". I agree, it could have been
a feather. "But then if it was we would still see it falling".... erm, thats right Cath, it is well known that feathers
take two sometimes three days to float to the floor.
In a fit or paranormal, Wells gets something in his eye. Rather
than just saying he has something in his eye, he explains "its an old Witches trick, they've done that to me before, put
stuff in my eye"
Right, so you cant just get something in your eye David? Its a witch that did it. Do you go out unsupervised?
Are you allowed sharp things at home? Do you write with anything other than crayon? You got something in your eye for Gods
sake, it happens.
Cath has her neck stolen, well, it appears that way to me, either that or her body is slowly sucking
her own head into it. She appears to be made entirely out of coats. More evidence of the paranormal? Maybe so...
I
cant believe They are letting Karl and Fester play alone again, they did that last week and it was pathetic. I'm waiting for,
and not necessarily in this order:
Stones, swearing, jumpy camera, "what the f*ck was that"s, Injury, maiming and death.
And maybe a goat. Possibly.
This is ridiculous, Cutting back and forth between Beattie and Fester, in almost total
darkness. Turn the bloody lights on for Christ sake. Lots of "hellooo" and "is anyone there", A bit of very bad acting, no,
terrible acting, from Stuart. He is then, almost on cue 'hit' by something. Right.
Beattie, being the boss, has
to go one further. We keep cutting back to a shot of Beatties camera laying on the floor, unmoving.
I immediately called
the Police and complained that my intelligence had been assaulted. They were very understanding.
Beattie is 'found'.
Oh for Christ sake........
O'keefe is worrying me. He does not back up the stone throwing (blimey!) and yet
on the subject of Beattie's injury to the head (lesson one children, do not walk round castles with the lights off, you may
trip) O'Keefe states:
"The are only two possible explanations for his injury, one is that some mysterious supernatural
force actually grabbed him, interacted with him and threw him against the wall if you will, knocked him unconscious for a
period time. The other is that in the heat of the moment and perhaps having seen something, Karl may have turned quickly and
hit his head against the wall"
Oh yes, your first "only one of two explanations" is very rational. That would have
been the first thing I would have thought of.
"What we do have is Karl's account" (Oh yes, very trustworthy) "and the
video footage to prove that there was nobody else in the room at the time"
What? It was PITCH bloody
BLACK!! How the hell is that proof O'Keefe? Are you not supposed to be an investigator?
"So for me that was the
most significant and interesting phenomena of the night"
Bullsh*t. So the only thing that has happened all night is
that Karl may have banged his head. Not bad for "one of the most haunted buildings in England"
I'm never writing
one of these things in the morning again. There is no possible way to get drunk enough to get through it. I'm going to suck
whats left of the bourbon out of the cornflakes and call a glazier. If anyone is wondering about my dog after last week, its
fine, and has actually got a part time job at WH Smiths. Which saves me selling it on Ebay.
In conclusion. The phrase
"every week the same" comes to mind. Spirit it seems is nothing but predictable.
As dull as sh*t this week, but then it
normally is these days. I'm wondering how the Live shows will go, pathetically I think.
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