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I looked across at Watson laying in his basket, idly chewing on a rubber bone. He has been very distracted since the paternity
issue came through from Sir Henry Baskerville. "Watson!" I shouted again, "are you listening to me? I said can you take this
cape of mine to Mrs Mockworthy and see if she can get this stain out of it"
Watson looked up, "Oh, sorry Holmes, come
again?",
I glared at him, "Actually Watson its yogurt this time, but still a devil of a stain to remove
from tweed when its dried in, now stop daydreaming and make yourself useful".
Perusing the letter before me I carefully
added a generous amount of fresh washing up liquid to my Calabash pipe, padding it down with my thumb before inhaling deeply.
I felt felt the warm glow of satisfaction from the pipe as I blew not one, but two good sized bubbles. Feeling more relaxed,
I read the letter once more.
"Holmes,
Further to my most recent letter regarding your colleague and his, how
shall I put it, 'indiscretions' with my daughters, I wish to address a couple of points you raised in your last correspondence.
Firstly, can I presume by your use of the phrase "Dammit Baskerville you blazing idiot, any damn fool will be able to tell
if the puppies are a cross between a small wire haired terrier and a Black Devils Hell Hound", means that you will not
be contesting my claims against Mr John H Watson?
Secondly, in reply to your question, I really don't think how
he managed it is an issue, and I'm not going to embarrass the twins further by asking them about 'stepladders' and
'boxes to stand on'.
Finally, after consultation with my Solicitor, in future correspondence, I request you to refer
to my daughters as either 'your daughters' or 'the twins', and not:
"a couple of cretinous fiends and belligerent,
foul-smelling scourges of decency, woefully detestable libertines and a hopeless, cold-hearted malodorous marinade of ooze
and bile, who were, quite frankly in my opinion, gagging for it".
I await your response.
Baskerville. H.
Good
Lord, and now I have to contend with watching Most Haunted.....
Most Haunted
Cammell Laird 27/02/07
I was disappointed if I'm honest. I was expecting camels. Anyway.... "Untimely death,
fear and emptiness awaits us as we travel to Mersyside". Yep, I had those feelings last time I went.
Fielding
Fielding starts the 'investigation' with the usual Googles history of the shipyard, apparently they built ships.
I
had loads of peoples names ready to shout at the screen when she said "So who would be mad enough to spend the night alone
here in the dark"... And then she doesn't bloody say it! Does she now how long I spent on the Internet looking up names
of crazy people? Angrily I shout "Vincent van Gogh!!" at the screen for no particular reason, but it fails to have the same
effect. ("Want a drink Vincent? No thanks, Ive got one ear")
Cammell Laird is a huge place, and I mean huge.
Its nearly as big as the Dining room at Meercat Towers which is saying something. The 'night before' thing was done
by O'Keeffe and Johnny Cash. (He's changed a lot since he sang 'Ring of fire'). O'Keeffe did a wonderful job of pretending
to be Fielding, hearing voices and bangs. Cash didn't hear anything and explained away anything that O'Keeffe thought he had
heard, a very strange twisty turn of events...
Hang on, Ive forgotten the alcohol! I thought this was hard work. I
have whats left of the bourbon from last week, perhaps if I pour it in my eyes it may absorb into my bloodstream quicker.
Eyewitness
time, Nichola "more hair than really necessary" Kehoe. She recounts a story of a colleague. "One of my colleagues had
just come from the kitchen area and as he's walking through the corridor he see's a lady, an old lady walking through, which
was unusual as we usually got lots of business guys in. As he got to the reception area, no one there at all."
What
a fantastic story, and I really appreciate you sharing this with us. So a bloke you know see's a woman in the corridor of
a huge building, and when he gets somewhere else, there's nobody there. I don't know, perhaps she went somewhere else? Just
a guess. Muppet.
Fielding tells us about shadows moving through walls and dark figures and, stuff I suppose.
O'Keeffe,
for once without a scarf tells us that the building was built on a 'Monastic' area and wouldn't be surprised if there were
some ghosts of monks. Also, "I can guarantee we are going to get doors slamming tonight". A prediction? A threat? A
quick look at the script?....
David Wells. The man who brought us the word "Astral" instead of "ghost". If he says
'residual' tonight I'm going to crawl into the video recorder and kick his arse. Mind you, if Fielding says "call out" again,
I'm going to have to kick hers too.....
Fielding:
"With Davids connection with the Royal Navy, would it give
him particular affinity with the shipyard". What? Thats like saying would Acorah have a particular affinity with a Chinese
clothes factory because his suits are made there. He was a Steward in the Navy for Gods sake, not a ship builder. He would
have more affinity with the kitchens in the Docks canteen.
Wells:
"Ive got here a runner", great! Daly Thompson's
back! "Someone who moves very quickly round here" "He has a really modern name, the first name is Graham" The name
Graham dates to around 1206 I think, so not particularly 'modern', unless you're really old..... "Time period, the 70's,
aged 35, 36 and he died in a car crash, so why is he here? I think he might be trying to tell us whats happened. I think its
because they never caught who did it. I think its someone he knew"
Fielding:
"Is it worth calling out?"
SHUT UP WOMAN! why do you need to 'call out', are dead people, as well as being dead, also deaf?
Wells goes on to tell
us that the car accident happened not far away from the docks, and on the way to work, and the then dead man came running
into the building to tell people what had happened. Okay........
"We thought the time was right to switch to night
vision". Why? People have reported to have seen shadows. You cant see shadows in the dark. It defeats the entire object
of being a shadow if you have no light. At no point whilst recounting anecdotes from other people did Fielding ever mention
that they happened in pitch black, so why turn the bloody lights off.
They move to the construction Hall.
"Right
David, tell us who's in here" Well if you turned the lights on Fielding, you'd be able to see for yourself.
"Theres
one Astral" I knew he'd bloody say it... "who is an older man, obviously a worker in dirty overalls. He's telling me
he used to be an apprentice, I think he did die in an accident, the side of his heads gone, bashed, gone completely, so he
must have fallen from some height"
Fielding:
"can you see what he looks like?"
"I would say
he's losing a bit of hair", righhht, more so on one side of his head eh David?
They move up to where Wells think
the man has fallen from,
Wells gets the name 'George'. "Is your name George" asks Fielding, "knock twice for
yes and once for no" and then does her amazing trick of hearing knocks that nobody else can. Fielding hears someone clearing
their sinuses. Nice, that must be where ectoplasm comes from.....
They then have a 'thermal image' moment where they try
and convince themselves that a reflection from the imaging camera is "George".
Fielding:
"I'm going to throw
a coin George" why? "Perhaps you could throw something back, maybe something personal of yours" His teeth? His
support truss?...
Uncle Fester Stuart thinks he sees a shadow, and blows my theory of the dark and shadows
out of the water, completely.
Its time for a seance. I disagreed, but they carried on regardless of my thoughts on
the subject.
Wells: "The only thing I'm getting is it was a Cortina, a brown one, that killed him, driven by someone
high up in the company"
Beattie "When he's running around, thats what hes doing, he's telling people about his
boss, don't trust this man, he's just killed me"
Hang on.. First Cash is O'Keeffe, then O'Keeffe is Fielding, now Beattie
is Wells. Have they all picked up the wrong bloody scripts this week?
Beattie or Fester pushes a filing cabinet over.
"I'm wondering something, the guy who killed him, if he's dead and he's still trying to cover it up".
Well
that would be a pretty pointless exercise wouldn't it. Dead man tries to cover up killing someone because.... well he's dead,
what they going to do, arrest his corpse?
Fielding checks with George, and according to him, it was the spirit of
the man who killed him that pushed the filing cabinet over. What an excellent attempt to cover up a crime. Filing cabinet
tipping. I hope no prospective crooks are watching this show, they'll have the perfect crime, all they need is a bit of office
furniture.
Everyone splits up, as per all good horror films. Yvette see's a moth on camera and we're treated to a slow
motion replay of it. Someone throws a mug and Fielding has kittens, possibly cats.
"Would Karl and Stuart experience
further activity back in the office". Well of course they bloody will. I'm expecting something like "Jumanji" only minus
Robin Williams.
They throw some stuff about. As usual.
Beattie see's the Ghost of Wells, strange that, he's not
dead. Boring, but not dead, okay, dead boring, but not just 'dead'.
More things are thrown, a 'groan' is heard and
Fielding soils herself. Its her turn this week. This is then followed by much over acting and amature dramatics with bumps
knocks, grinding of teeth and gasps.
O'Keeffe eventually finds his own script and sums up the evening as "total crap,
I have wasted a good part of my life with these idiots and I have had enough".
Okay, he didn't say that, but I wish
he had. Is this the last of the series? Oh I hope so. I'm an Agnostic, so I shall pray to Arthur Guinness and hope he helps
me out.
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