"Watson!! What in the name of Alfred Lord Tennyson and his collection of mopeds is that damned awful racket?"

"Sorry Holmes old chap, its, well.... its the dog biscuits, its all very peculiar".

I looked over at Watson as he sat in the middle of the room, surrounded by biscuit shapes. "But must you keep rattling them around on the parquet flooring Watson? The noise is most distracting and I'm trying to finish this portrait of Mia Dolan".

Watson sat up, his paws slipping slightly on the polished floor, "I just don't understand it Holmes, they're all here apart from the pink triangle ones, you see?", he pushed the biscuits around with his paw, "Yellow circles, round charcoal ones, little beige bone shaped ones, but no triangles and certainly nothing pink", a little whine came from the back of his throat.

"Calm yourself Watson, there's a good dog. There has to be a reasonable and logical explanation to this dilemma".

I sat back and thought, my eyes wandering over the almost completed oil painting of Mia Dolan, suddenly realising that whilst I was talking to Watson I had subconsciously painted "I love you" in six inch high letters across her face.

I pulled the canvas from the frame and threw it in the corner with the other eight I had done the same to.
Damn this morphine.

Most Haunted Sutton House Tuesday 6th March 2007

According to "Visit London's Press Center" its the 8th most 'haunted' property in London, and has "creaking floorboards, echoing rooms and dark staircases". Heck.
 
And... "live dogs brought to the house have been known to stop rigid at the foot of a staircase, hackles raised, transfixed by something invisible to humans".

That would be opposed to dead dogs who just lay rigid at the bottom of the staircase I suppose.

I cant believe I have to go through this again, its 9am and I find myself once more having whiskey for breakfast. Damn you Antix people.

Fielding's eyelashes start the usual History tour, all very interesting but of no real value unless you are interested in the history of buildings, or are perhaps considering purchasing the place.

Fielding:
"Its small wonder that many strange tales are told that defy explanation".
Yep, I know what you mean, take Rumpelstiltskin for example, I mean, whats that all about, really? Or that one about the the troll under the bridge, talking goats? Come on....

"Ladies of both the blue and white variety are said to roam its rooms" And the lesser spotted cabbage white ones are generally found in the garden around the sprouts. What is this woman talking about. Are we now to refer to Fielding as "the bleached variety"? the "monkey piss yellow" variety?

"Spectral neighbors are heard arguing into the small hours". Mine do that, not sure I have used the word 'Spectral' to describe them as yet though.

"Oddest of all weird noises are that of dogs reported from within its walls".
Now, whilst its all very well being eloquent with your speech, I really need 'within its walls' clarifying. Does she mean in the building, or actually in the walls, you know in that bit they pump the cavity insulation into, as that would be odd, especially if you were the bloke doing the insulation.

Its the 'night before' thing. Apparently to gauge how frightening a place is before they go in. Again, she's lost me. If its really frightening the night before they don't go in? Its never stopped them before. Why not just go in and judge for yourselves?

Anyway, once again the bleached variety lets me down by not asking "who would be mad enough to spend the night here". I still have my list of crazy people from last week, that I have little use for without Most Haunted. I now hide in the hedge out side my house and shout at passers by "Charles VI", but get very little reaction at all.

This week its Hong Kong Phooey Karl and Uncle Fester Stuart. Beattie gets touched.

The bleached variety then informs us that they both "witnessed further strange disturbances which you can see on Most Haunted Extra". What? Why not show them on Most Haunted? Isn't that the whole bloody point of the program?

Do I now have to watch MH Extra, only to be told half way through, that if I want to see even more I should watch Most Haunted Extra Extra Read All About It shown only in Bulgaria at 4.30am? Idiots.

More History from the Bleached one, this time about a previous owner and his dogs. I pass the time by swinging the dog around by his tongue.

Carrying on this now pointless exercise of 'celebrity guests' they are joined by Lee Ryan. I confess, I had to look him up on Google as I had no idea who he was. He was or is in the boy band "Blue". Now, having heard of them, I took an instant dislike to him, in fact more of a simmering hatred. Anyone responsible for producing such mindless inane 'music' should be quite frankly... oh never mind.

Bless him, he's brought his mum!

O'Keeffe, he describes Lee Ryan as "potentially creative". My thoughts exactly. He basically says that Ryan Is a gullible idiot who will believe anything that Fielding and the crew can throw at him. Probably literally.

David "Astral" Wells appears and does a very peculiar Eddie Izzard impersonation, which annoys me as I like Izzard, and my contempt for Wells grows stronger daily.

Wells:
"When its softer its harder to get through it" Yep, 12 pints later and its like trying to get a marshmallow into a slot machine, I know exactly what you mean Mr Wells.

Wells then proceeds to tell us exactly what The Bleached One told us earlier, dull, dull, dull. It has just occurred to me that if Antix cut out all the graphics and animations in between scenes and the repeated segments, the show would actually only be 8 minutes long. Oh if only.

Tapping has started and Fielding, sorry, the Bleached Variety, says its coming from right by her left foot, ah... tis curious.....

We enter the 'Exhibition Room'. Now either someone in true Art style is exhibiting a display of black plastic bin liners, or the artist has said, "Most Haunted? Here? For Gods sake cover my work up, if I get associated with that program in any way shape or form, my career is over".

Fielding hears a sigh, as does Wells, nobody else, myself included does. Wells gets yet another "generic" name, Thats three weeks running he gets "generic", I'm intrigued to know what sort of name he deems 'not' generic, perhaps 'Bregowine', or 'Donk'.

I wish he would stop using it, its pretty meaningless anyway. Why not say 'common', or 'popular'. "Generic" really is the wrong word to be describing a persons name, and its starting to wind me up.

Fielding congratulates Wells in reading his script properly and remembering what he had read on Google. She then asks "Now, do you want to move on, or do you want to go to night vision" FOR WHAT BLOODY REASON?

Wells:
"I think we should go to night vision now and have a look at this man". Again I say to you, members of the Jury, why? If you are going to look at something, you don't think, 'I'll turn the lights off'. If that were the case, every art gallery in the country would be saving electricity as we speak. Mia Dolan invented the light bulb for this very reason.

"It was time to switch to night vision and begin the investigation in earnest". Right, so before you were just being bloody flippant about it? Just messing around?

They walk into the 'Great Chamber', in the dark. The Bleached One is not using a camera and her torch is pointing at the floor. "Wow, this is a lovely big old paneled room". How do you know that? Its dark. It could be a really small cushioned room for all you know Fielding. If you can see that well, why bother with the night vision?

Wells describes a man "I guess he worked in cloth" he's "destroying a scarf" " hes pulling it to pieces" "he's really angry about it". So his job? Angry Destroyer Of Scarves? Oh how the old trades die out......

Fielding: "So the dogs are ghosts as well?", yep, apparently so. Complete with ghost leads and ghost collars, and little rubber ghost chew bones.....

Beattie and Howe hear a 'dogs whine' although nobody else does. One word Cath, 'shampoo', you're letting yourself go a bit my love.

Lee Ryan, looking every bit the frightened schoolboy goes of in the dark with Fielding. Cath goes into a very sensual display of demonstrating how hands rubbed over her body, I was starting to get turned on, a little, until I realised that the spirits were probably trying to figure out if her jumper was for real. Ive seen it, and I'm still not sure...

Cath believes someone tickled her hair. Believe my Cath, even ghosts would not go near that until you washed it, maybe twice.

I think its time for a seance.

"We were joined by Lee Ryan and his mum" bless "as we began a seance".

I think we are all well acquainted with what will happen next, No locked off cameras, a large cloth over the table so you cant see under it and this will be followed by the table "moving". For Christ sake. Ryan takes off his scarf and asks the spirits if they will "lift it off the table". Only if its in the script Ryan, only if its in the script.

"What more could possibly happen" asks Fielding. Me! me!! Pick me!

I'm guessing Wells gets possessed by Arthur Pendragon, who isn't dead, he's a local tattooist round my way, he then goes on a killing spree, using his chosen weapon of 'buggery'. He then throws himself from a tallish chair, impaling himself on a large candle whilst screaming "I did it for the ratings darling". (And that was after his time in the Navy)

They return to the seance room and find the scarf 'moved'. Great. No cameras, witnesses, nothing. Why bother. The only people this is going to impress is little gullible boys like Lee Ryan, and his mum.

They move to the 'little chamber'. A stone is thrown at Fielding, unfortunately its only a small one.

Fielding: "Please keep them coming, shower us with them". Lets look at that statement. "Shower us with them"? She wants to be stoned?

How does she know they are going to be tiny stones? She has never in the passed asked to be 'showered' in stones, normally she complains 'that nearly bloody hit me'.

Stuart throws another handful of gravel, just to please Ryan, after all, the rest of the crew are as bored with the stone throwing thing as I am. More are thrown and this is getting ridiculous.
Walking down the stairs, Stuart throws Ryan's scarf at Fielding.

O'Keeffe:
"What did happen was a scarf was thrown, or appeared to be thrown at Yvette on the staircase, now this is more interesting as we have some cameras there and we can hopefully capture the scarf from its origin to its destination" Ok, so wheres the footage of this? Where do we see the scarf "from its origin to its destination"? Crap.

"In representing the sceptical community" NO NO NO Don't you bloody dare go there O'Keeffe, you in no way, shape or form 'represent the sceptical community', you are nothing but an Antix puppet who has blown any credibility that you may have started out with. You are just another member of the 'team'. You keep talking about needing 'controlled environments', and yet do nothing to make sure there is one, why are you even there?

For the '8th most haunted property in London', if you take away the scarf and the stones, absolutely nothing happened in that building, nothing. Why is it 'haunted'?
Thank God, Ive been doing this so long, the pubs are open. I turn the video off and for Gods sake, 'Blue' is on Channel 5 news. What the hell is going on here....